Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize