your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Randomize
