theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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