I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Randomize
