I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
