My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Randomize
