chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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