The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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