So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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