I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
