I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Randomize
