SEEEEXXX PLEASE
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
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