i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
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