My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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