I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
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