You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Randomize
