Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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