i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
