I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
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