if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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