All I know is that if italians start TIME TRAVELLING were all in a lot of trouble paizon
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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