she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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