I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
