Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
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