Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
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