I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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