I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
