Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Randomize
