If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Randomize
