he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
