Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
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