If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
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