I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
