he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
