DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Randomize
