hell yes lets make some ravioli
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
