I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
foreskin is a definite game changer
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
