WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
