i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
