Well apparently he's into motor boating.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
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