phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
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