yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
