stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I just want nice things and good sex
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize
