I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
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