is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
