Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
