His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
