normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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