I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
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