somebody snuck up and got me drunk
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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