Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
