I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
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