i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
