His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Everyone says I win the strip club
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
