My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
