i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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