I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Pappa wants mamma naked
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
