That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
My penis needs a shock collar
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Randomize
