So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
She's the barista slut.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
